And, we're expecting!

Well, we're pregnant! :) I'm a little over 12 weeks and this baby is due end of March/beginning of April. I started showing a lot quicker with Carver's pregnancy than with Arlee's, and with this pregnancy a little bump appeared around 8 weeks. By 10 weeks it was getting a lot more obvious that I was either pregnant or gaining a bunch of weight in my stomach. And, by 12 weeks this pregnant tummy is just impossible to hide. I've been trying to wear baggier clothing or dark colors to try and conceal it as long as possible, but I think those days are over.

Yeah, I can't really conceal this pregnant tummy anymore.

To be honest, I had absolutely no intention of getting pregnant again for at least 6 months to a year, if not longer. I remember telling Austin, as we drove to Rexburg for Carver's funeral, that I didn't even want to *think* about getting pregnant again for a very long time. I told him not to bring up that topic of conversation and to just wait for me to tell him when I'm ready. The thought of ever going through this experience, or a similar one, again was (and is) enough to send me into hysterics. I. Cannot. Imagine. And, I knew that getting pregnant again meant that there was a 2% chance of this kind of hernia happening again or just any other possible birth defect or issue. (The fact that so many babies are born perfectly healthy is a miracle in and of itself -- so many things can go wrong during the process of forming a baby.) Also, I was so afraid that conceiving again meant I was trying to replace Carver, which is the last thing I wanted to do. He is a huge part of my life and I couldn't imagine doing that to myself or to him. Not to mention all the emotional exhaustion and trauma I'd just gone through with being pregnant and delivering a beautiful little boy and then watching him pass away in my arms a few hours later. So, all that being said, I had no intention of becoming pregnant again for a very long time.

Well, the Lord had a different plan.

About a month or so after Carver's birth and passing, all I started thinking about was getting pregnant again. It was like this nagging, annoying feeling. I kept brushing it aside and ignoring these thoughts, but they kept coming back over and over and over again. More than anything, it was just frustrating. I knew I didn't want to get pregnant yet, so I couldn't figure out why these thoughts were creeping into my head. Then, a few days later, it hit me: This wasn't just my brain thinking what it would be like to have another baby -- it was a prompting from the Lord. I brought all of this to Austin, who was really happy at the thought of welcoming a third baby into our growing family, and then we brought it to the Lord. And, of course, we each felt the distinct impression that we needed to continue adding children to our family, and not wait as long as I was planning. Heh, funny how the plan you have for your life is often changed around by the Lord's plan for your life.

Becoming pregnant again has been wonderful and so, so challenging. It's been wonderful because its shown me that I'm not "broken." I admit, after losing Carver I was so afraid that something was now wrong with my body because it has "failed" and now I wouldn't be able to bring anymore children into this world. This is a terrifying thought. So, conceiving again has shown me that I'm not broken. My body is fine. I can still do this. Losing Carver is not the end. But, its also been more challenging than I anticipated. I'm so worried, like, all the time. Worried that I'll experience yet another miscarriage; worried that this baby won't develop properly; worried that a congenital diaphragmatic hernia will strike twice in our little family; worried that I'll have to bury another child. Just, worried. I know that many of these fears, if not all, are completely out of my control and that worrying about them really won't change anything. But, I think that's all much easier said than done. Due to everything that's happened in the past year, I feel like I can no longer be completely carefree and happy during my pregnancies, like I was with Arlee. Arlee's pregnancy was perfect in pretty much every way. Yes, I was tired and hormonal (but who isn't when you're pregnant?), but everything went exactly as planned. The thought that she could have a birth defect or other issue never really crossed my mind, and her gender check/anatomy check was a joyful and exciting time. Hers was the "ideal" pregnancy, I think. But now, going through pretty much the complete opposite with Carver's pregnancy, I don't know what to think or how to feel. I remember hearing years ago during a General Conference address that "fear and faith cannot hold hands," and that phrase has stuck with me. Its so true -- I cannot have faith everything will work out the way it should and place my faith in the Lord, but be terrified at that same time. A part of me really wants to believe that if I felt very prompted to become pregnant again so soon after losing Carver, then that means this baby will be perfectly healthy and a huge blessing in our lives, right? I truly hope so.

But, please don't get me wrong -- I am very excited to be pregnant again and I CANNOT wait to feel this little one kick! I think feeling Arlee and Carver move around and learn how to use their bodies was one of my most favorite things about their pregnancies. As much as I would have really enjoyed sleeping at 2am, feeling their acrobatic movements was such a tender and amazing experience. And, one thing that Carver's pregnancy taught me is to never complain about how uncomfortable you may feel, because you never know if your time holding that little soccer player in your womb is the only time you will get to hold them. I didn't realize this concept until about 30 weeks with Carver, and I wish I'd realized it sooner so I could have spent more time enjoying his kicks and jabs and less time muttering about how uncomfortable I felt. My stomach is still a bit lop-sided since Carver spent all his time curled up in a ball on the right side of my stomach, and I love it.

To say that this year has been hard is pretty much a massive understatement. Every day I think about Carver and all the new things he'd be learning and doing. I think about how great a big sister Arlee would have been to him -- she's so maternal and absolutely loves babies. I think about how sleep deprived I'd be feeling, and to be honest, I'm kinda sad that I'm not. Being sleep deprived means you're getting midnight bonding sessions with your sweet little baby, and probably 3am and 5am bonding sessions, too. :) I'd rather be completely sleep deprived, covered in spit up, and with awful bedhead hair, than to ever repeat this experience. Every day I still wish that someone will say Carver's name and/or ask how I'm doing. My really, really bad days aren't as common as they used to be, but they still come around.

A few days ago Arlee was holding one of her baby dolls and she said, "This is baby Carver! He's hungry and needs a new diaper." She "changed" his diaper, wrapped him in a dish cloth, and gingerly fed him one of her little toy baby bottles. It was incredibly adorable and absolutely melted my heart. I really feel like her spirit just knows everything that's happened, even if her 2-year-old self doesn't quite understand. She then brought me "baby Carver" and asked if I wanted to hold him. Words cannot describe how much I love this little girl. This past weekend was especially rough for me and Arlee continued to be her tender and compassionate little self. She gave me the sweetest little hugs and at one point brought me her princess coloring book and crayons and said, "Here, Mommy. Be happy." I know I've said this in past blog posts, but she is just the greatest blessing a mommy could ask, especially during this rough time.

Austin and I are really so excited to welcome a third baby into our family, and it would be so awesome if there were some kind of cheat code for moms who've lost a baby so they can speed up the pregnancy -- like instead of everything taking 9 months, it would only take 5 months. Wouldn't that be great? :) Waiting for this little one, after already going through 9 months of waiting for Carver is just rough. This might be too much to ask, but we'd really appreciate it if you could keep us and this new little baby in your prayers. So far everything is going well, but the gender check/anatomy check in about 8 more weeks is the appointment that will really let us know how things are going with this little babe. Thanks. :)